Wednesday, October 14, 2009

What We Women Go Through...

This came to me in an email from my Chocoholic Friend. Apparently this is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. It was also supposed to be in PC magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter. Don't know if this is all true but the letter is hilarious nonetheless, and I thought it would be an entertaining midweek post (particularly since I am "stuck" at home studying!).


Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong',

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always. . .

Best,
Ms. Austin , TX

Well...? ;o)

22 fabulous blogger's comments:

Katerina @ GirlWithARing said...

This cheered me up as I'm stuck at work for a while tonight - thanks for sharing :)

PS Thanks for the advice on my post today, it's really helpful to hear that we're not the only ones struggling with it!

Nicole said...

OMG! Thats freakin hilarious!! =D I love it thanks for that one!

buhdoop said...

Are you kidding me! This is so funny. Every woman should read this post. Right on Ms. Austin, TX

Sara E said...

LOL... funny! well, I think we'd all like happy ones, wouldn't we? too bad we can't control our dang hormones to make it true all the time

LenaLoo said...

Hilarious... I had almost forgotten that moronic campaign!!!m

5thsister said...

I found you over at SITS. Funny! Thanks for my morning chuckle!

DakerMom said...

Found you at SITS. This is HI-larious!! I've actually seen it somewhere before but I read the whole thing all over again and it cracks me up! Love what we women can say and that it's totally OK!! Ha!!

Karen, author of "My Funny Dad, Harry" said...

Thanks for the laugh! I was one of the lucky ones that didn't get the bad cramping and for the most part could even control my emotions fairly well during periods. Still, I would not call them "happy" times. I'm glad I'm done with those now, moved on to menopause!

Found you through SITS!

Mommy of Many said...

found you at sits, This is too funny. I will be sharing this with many today. thanks for the laugh.

Tori Jean said...

Good Morning:) Just stopping in from SITS. Enjoying the blog!!

Stacy Marie said...

Hell yes!

JoeyRes said...

I've noticed that little note on the Always pads before. I thought maybe they were going for a DOVE chocolate strategy with a little encouragement every time you go potty!

Ms Bibi said...

My friend sent this to me few years back and it was hilarious then as it is hilarious now.

So true, isn't it. Thanks for a good laugh in the morning.

Stopping by from SITS.

Heather said...

This is absolutely hysterical! Thanks for sharing.

Hazey Bell said...

This amused me so much, it is so well put! It made me smile :)

Savvy Gal said...

LOL.... I couldn't stop laughing..... BF avoides me like the plaque whenever Auntie Flo visits. He used to tell me it's in my mind and I wanted to slap him.

Gretchen said...

Such a great letter! That made me laugh already first thing this morning. I love it. Or as Rachael Zoe would put it, "I die" and "that's bananas" :) ~Gretchen

♥ Teresa ♥ said...

THAT IS SO INCREDIBLY HYSTERICAL! Thanks for the laugh, I seriously needed it!

On a more serious note, if you get a chance, will you please take a moment to drop by my blog and read my latest post about Baby Wyatt? His parents really need our help. I would really appreciate it!

Thanks so much!

Teresa <><

TWO VERY SPECIAL MINUTES...

http://toomanyheartbeats.blogspot.com/2009/10/two-very-special-minutes.html

Jenn said...

Happy to have you as a reader! Thanks for stopping by.

Lauren said...

Ha! That is hilarious! Even more so to me because I had a rant almost exactly like to my friends. "Have a Happy Period?" Please. Although I think my slogan was better: "Congratulations, you're not pregnant yet."

Thanks for stopping by my blog to say hello! :)

Barb said...

I had seen this before but it was great to re-read. Absolutely put a smile on my face. Thanks!

Sassafrass said...

OMG - That is too funny for words...I actually laughed out loud :) Will have to pass this on to the fiance :)