Monday, April 12, 2010

Waste No More Time Arguing

Mr. Milk and I had our first big argument since moving in together the other day. It took us nine months, so that ain't too shabby. We both said things we didn't mean and wish we could take back, and were left feeling totally drained the next day. 

It all started over discussions on buying a house. We have been thinking and talking about this on and off since January. An opportunity came to our attention through a developer we know, who is building small, townhome-like houses that Mr. Milk thought we could afford. I am typically the hesitant/resistant one in the relationship when it comes to big decisions like this. I prefer to have most of the facts before I start a discussion about something. Mr. Milk on the other hand is the type who likes to brain storm out loud. He likes to talk about his ideas and figure things out as they come up. Now keep in mind that I am without a job, so clearly I have nothing to contribute to the purchase of a home (or any other major purchase for that matter). So in our discussions, I assumed that Mr. Milk knew about most things that pertained to such a purchase. After all, he was doing some research, talking to people who were recent home-owners, inquiring about mortgages, and so on. I finally become more comfortable with the idea that we can make such a large investment with one salary and started to get more involved in the process. We talked about how if we get in early enough, we could make some changes to the internal layout of the house, like have a larger kitchen and a smaller laundry room rather than a small spare room downstairs. 

Well it all blew up in our face the other day. After discussions with the developer Mr. Milk came to the conclusion that this was no longer affordable. I was stunned and disappointed and confused. I guess at the end of the day I felt a little cheated. Here I was trying to take small, calculated steps towards this idea and just as I was starting to feel comfortable with it and get excited about it, I had the rug pulled out from under me. Apparently there were some expenses that he hadn't taken into account, which can happen to anyone, but I did not react well to it all. 

This is so how I felt about this argument! Anyway, it all came down to miscommunication and certain expectations that were set that were unrealistic at the end of the day. We talked about our different ways of handling things and are trying to come up with a better way to not fall into such traps in the future. I'm sure just like anything else, it will be a work in progress. Once the intensity of the argument subsided, we were better able to see where we had each gone wrong and apologize. Hopefully we don't have too many more arguments of this intensity, but if they happen only once every nine months, then I really can't complain.

Have you and your Mr. had such arguments? How do you deal with them?

11 fabulous blogger's comments:

Salt said...

Wow you guys made it 9 months!? That's amazing. I think we had our first argument after like 9 hours. :)

Disagreeing is part of any normal and healthy relationship. We will have a mini blowout once every couple of months. Usually it's my fault because I'm a hot head, and I have to blow off that steam. 100% of the time the arguments have been about money, a miscommunication or a combo of the two.

I'm glad you guys go through it and were able to apologize and see the other person's side. It sounds like you have great communication between you and that is so important!

Em said...

Ditto, Salt! The first time Josh and I lived together we literally had our first huge blowout the first NIGHT. Ugh...that sucked.

But it sounds like I'm like you and Mr. Milk is like Josh is the way we communicate. I much prefer to think about things thoroughly before making decisions. Josh, like Mr. Milk it seems, is more of the dreamer. He'll fantasize out loud about things that could probably never actually happen. I'm just not like that. At all. So we've had arguments because of that. I know how it is, girl. It's all a part of learning how the other person communicates and respecting that and working with it.

ruthy ann said...

We had our biggest blow up a few days ago...the feeling is just awful. But after some time and non defensive discussion we resolved it. I absolutely HATE conflict...i'm kind of a conflict avoider and don't handle it well...lots of tears and frustrations. He however is much more rational and logical...after my breakdowns we can usually move past the situation!

PartyPlannerGal said...

The Mr. and I are bicker-ers more than big, blowout fighters, but don't get me wrong, we will have a blow-out every now and then. He's much more calm and rational, while I want to address issues and fix problems NOW. Causes some tension at times, but things have gotten better since we've moved in together.

Katie said...

I hate arguments like that! But on the bright side you have only had one!

JEM - Aqua Bride said...

Our arguments, though small are usually about his constant t.v watching. I hate noise of all kinds and having a t.v on all the time drives me bonkers. I usually just go to another room although with a two year old, that's kinda hard. Oh well, c'est la vie I guess. No major blowouts though.

Caro said...

I wouldn't say we argue, but we do not see things the same way...lately it has been bad and I decided that we have to make major changes... to be continued.

Mrs T said...

9 months without an argument is good work! It's always hard when your communication styles differ. Mr B and I have had our fair share of fights! But we're getting a lot better at it. Working each other out more.

Ms. Chouette said...

9 Months? That's really good.
We've had many disagreemnts in the past and I hate arguments. But of course we've argued like that but who hasn't right?
Communication is the key. Glad you guys could seat and talk it out.

Born to be Mrs. Beever said...

Oh yeah, there's no way around a big blow out once in a while. Mr Fix It and I definitely have had a couple in our 6 years together. Thankfully, none that ever caused us to doubt our love for each other or are compatibility. The fact is, everyone handles things differently. Sounds like you two are figuring that out and working through how to communicate and resolve conflict effectively. That's the most important thing.

You can never avoid issues and conflict, what makes a relationship is how you handle them when they arise.

With all the stress of wedding planning, moving and taking an extended vacation, Mr Fix It and I have had a few melt downs with each other lately...but what I love about him is that 5 minutes later we are totally apologizing and figuring it out.

The thing I always tell people is learn to RESPOND rather than to REACT. There *is* a difference!

Sarah said...

we argue about once a month or two. it usually stems from the fact that I am a "doer" and typical Type A personality. Sean is laid back and procrastinates ALOT. I usually end up doing everything and resenting him afterwards. I admit it. We compromise and just recently he told me he needs a list of things I need him to do or he will forget. So, I will make lists :)