Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Who Are YOUR Friends

So I was lying awake at 3am thinking about a conversation I had with Mr. Milk about our friends. Since we've been away from everyone for so long, we have few mutual friends. Most people are either his friends or my friends, and only a handful are OUR friends.

What does this mean though for us moving back to Cyprus? To give you a little back story about how this conversation came about, we were talking about one of Mr. Milk's friends, who has very recently decided to have his wedding one week after ours! He got engaged about a month ago and informed Mr. Milk that he was thinking about an early October wedding. Mr. Milk told him that we would likely be on our honeymoon then and to try to arrange it so that he could attend the wedding. They have been friends since middle school so Mr. Milk really wanted to be at his wedding.

So last week we find out that the wedding is being arranged and has been set for the week after ours. And no, he was not the one who told us, we found out from a third party. I flipped out! They have joined friends who will be travelling from other parts of Europe for our wedding so there's been no consideration for what they'll do. Then there's the issue of bachelor parties. Mr. Milk is planning on going to Mykonos with his buddies. He doesn't want to share a bachelor party! And for me, frankly I feel like some of our thunder has been taken away. I know it's somewhat childish but that's how I feel. On top of that, we will be having guests over from this part of the world, who we actually want to spend time with since they travelled thousands of miles and spent thousands of dollars to be there! Can you tell I'm pissed off? Do you think I am overreacting?

Anyway, it takes me some time to get over such things. When people are inconsiderate it drives me up the wall. So I tell Mr. Milk that if our international guests are still there I will not be leaving them to go to this so called friends wedding. And so started a larger discussion about friends and socializing.

Mr. Milk is far more social than I. He is quite content being in any kind of situation and making small talk with just about anybody. I on the other hand are far pickier about people who I call friends and am more of a home-body. I prefer to have friends over for dinner, talking, laughing, bonding, than to be out with a bunch of people I don't know but have to feign interest in. Plus I have greatly missed my best girls being over here, and I think at this point in my life, I just want my good old girlfriends versus the effort of making new friends, if that makes sense. 

So what will happen when we are back in Cyprus? Will there be conflict about who to hang out with or will we naturally gravitate to some people versus others? And what if we prefer different people? What do we do when we're invited somewhere, with people that one of us isn't a huge fan of? These are all the questions that were floating around my head in the wee hours of the morning. My poker face is non-existant! This is definitely something I can work on, but for the most part I wear my heart on my sleeve and I fear people will be able to see right through me. I guess it will take some time for us to create our own social network as a couple and get into a natural flow. Maybe its just the stress of the big move that is making things look so daunting at the moment.

So what do you guys do? Any advice? How has it been for you guys to establish mutual friends?

18 fabulous blogger's comments:

Hannah said...

I wish I could offer you some great advice. We are always dealing with friends graduating and leaving us (as we live in a college town) so there will never be a chance to live with all of our friends, ever.

I vote you both take it slow and be very aware of how each of you are handling it. Keeping communication open will make sure that both of you are settling happy :)

Leanne said...

First of all, you are 100% NOT over reacting. I would be furious at this friend for getting married a week after me.

I think mutual friends are an issue that every couple needs to go through. C and I have the opposite problem. I'm WAY more social, where he prefers to stay at home and keep to himself. I think the best way handle it is to find a happy medium but how to successfully do this is beyond me.

Sorry I couldn't give better advise!

Chic 'n Cheap Living said...

I'm totally like you! No poker face, increasingly want to stay with good friends (though hard since I' moved to another country - good thing there are some great grad school friends here). I think you both have to be ok with having your own sets of friends. I thought it was so important to see my friends on my own time though of course the Mr. came out more often with us.

Chic 'n Cheap Living said...

p.s. I knew a girl whose sister got married in Hawaii a week after the girl's honeymoon so she had to fly BACK to Hawaii. The friend's totally being inconsiderate but it could be his fiancee, family, etc. Either way, he should have told you guys. I'd totally hang out with my out of towners instead of going to the wedding too.

penga said...

bummer about the friend getting married so soon after you.. :(

and sak and i have a problem making friends too. we're both in the reserved/home-body group, so unfortunately I don't have too much advice.. :P

Salt said...

In some cases I would think that people would be overreacting if they got upset about a wedding being so near theirs, but in this case I think you're completely justified in how you are feeling. It would be one thing if they did it like a month after yours or whatever, but a week is cutting it SO close, especially with people traveling such long distances to be there.

I think it's pretty thoughtless. There is no way that they would consider moving the date? Sadly, I think if I were in that situation, I'd skip their wedding.

Ams said...

I am pretty sure that I would be LOSING MY MIND if I was in the same situation as you. That is just crap... and I agree - you definitely have every right to feel like your thunder is being stolen. Such garbage...
The bottom line is you know your priorities, you know it's about you and Mr. Milk... it will work out the way it's meant to right?
I think that as far as mutual friends etc.... that might just take some time. Things will have changed since you have lived back in Cyprus... probably for the good as people have grown up and are establishing their own lives. I think it will come naturally... you all will figure it out!!
(Terrible advice! I'm sorry!!)

Bicoastal Bride said...

I would feel the same way you do about his friend’s wedding plans. It’s very inconsiderate. I’m also similar to you, with a group of close friends rather than a large circle of casual friends. Since Stephen went to college with my best friend, and it was through her that we met, we actually have a good number of mutual friends. Unfortunately, they are all on the West Coast, so we hardly see them. Here in D.C., most of our friends are Stephen’s work buddies, who are awesome, but who we’re not as close to as our friends back home.

redwhitebride said...

i'd feel the same way about your fi's friend's wedding. but then again, it might be his fiancee or fiancee's family, or other reasons.

i'm also like you, no poker face. i'm comfortable with my circle of friends and his closest friends, but i'm not good at meeting new friends (my fi is good at that, he can be sooo close with anyone he meets the first time).

PMerr said...

I don't have much advice for you either :( It stinks that he just decided to do it the week after. I've had my thunder taken with a baby due 2 weeks before my wedding, both parents are in the WP, so I know what you're going thru...kinda.

Morgan said...

That's really tough! Both about the wedding being scheduled so close to yours, and the whole thing of how to handle hanging out with people you don't really care for. There are a few of my hubby's friends that I don't enjoy spending time with, so mainly I just let him go hang out with them by himself. Occasionally I will suck it up and put on a happy face and see them. But it's a lot easier because it's only a few times a year. I couldn't handle it all the time! Good luck figuring out what will work for you!

sonya said...

Good luck with this one. I know you'll make the best decision.

browneyes_24b said...

I'm probably going to sound cliche, but it's true: things find a way of working themselves out. You will figure out what you enjoy once you settle into life together! Best wishes to you!

I'm stopping by from SITS! I hope you have a great day!

Katie said...

I would be super pissed off as well! A wedding is a once in a lifetime special event, and for them to knowingly set their date SO CLOSE to yours is really inconsiderate!

Melissa said...

I would be irritated about the wedding, butI think you are over reacting. You can't expect people to schedule their lives around you. They have to prioritize themselves as you are prioritizing yourself. They ave friends and family who they had to consider when scheduling their wedding. Your thunder hasn't been stolen. Have they sent out invitations? Is this something that is set in stone? You can take a few hours away from your international guests to go to their wedding. You don't have to share a bachelor party. I feel like I know where you are (in your head) and I think you are over thinking this. Don't waste your time thinking of all the reasons this could go wrong. Just concentrate on your wedding and what you *can do. Remember, your friendships will most likely last forever, but this wedding is only one day. Let's not throw away loving bonds with people over a one day event.

As far as "couple" friends, that will happen more organically than you think. As a couple, you will naturally gravitate toward people. You're not always going to be with your husband every time he goes out and he is not going to with you, either. There will be times you're invited places you'd rather not go and will have to grin and bear it, but that's how it goes. It's more about you supporting your husband and his interests than about your wants or likes.

Followed you through Sits!

BeerBudgetBride said...

Normally I'd say most reactions to "thunder stealing" is overreacting, BUT in this case, the details set it apart. Your "friend" just sprung this on you and there's no recourse but to deal with it. You're 100% right to be ticked off. I certainly would be. Your common friends may have to choose between you. Not cool.

Since it's primarily Mr. Milk's friend, I'd let him decide. If he truly wants to go and you can't stand the idea - how would you feel about letting him go alone?

I wish I had more helpful words for you but like you, I have ZERO poker face. I can make nice to acquaintances I'm not very friendly with but if I honestly don't like someone - they know it. Good luck. And breathe. :)

Mrs. Smith said...

Finding mutual friends has been hard. We have a few, but even in those cases, it's really more one of us or the other that is truly friends with the person. I would love to know the secret for figuring that part of life out.

As for that friend and his wedding date, that guy is a jerk. So inconsiderate. You should not feel bad AT ALL for being angry.

Mrs T said...

I don't think you're overreacting. If you guys have the same friends it makes it awkward for everyone to have to try and be two places so close together on the calendar.

But you know you're wedding will be better - and because it's first they will all just compare the second one to yours!

I am so like you with friends. Have a small group that I'm really close to. Where Mr B has lots of friends that he sees every now and then.

We only have a handful of mutual friends - and we've been together six years. We spend the most time with my best male friend and his wife.

I can't see you every taking long to make friends!